Mom passed away at 6:49 Friday morning. After being stuck in the same room with my sisters and Sarah’s boyfriend and only sleeping a few hours a night at best we were all grouchy and I felt like I was going to explode. I tried going out for walks around the Hospice house on their wooded paths, but the constant traffic just made the tension worse, so on Thursday afternoon I took a bus home, planning on returning the next day when our pastor was going up to visit. There hadn’t been any major changes with mom since they removed her from the ventilator and feeding tube the previous Friday and the doctor said she could hold on another week. I honestly think that her passing when I wasn’t there was God doing what was best for me, not only did I get back to the peace and quite of the woods and relieve all the built up tension, I was on the phone with the girls when mom was dieing and they said it was like watching our cats that had died, the spasms and gasping for breath, I don’t think I could have handled seeing mom like that so it was probably best I wasn’t there. I had said my goodbyes and told her it was alright if she went while I was gone, the only guilt I feel about not being there is that I wasn’t there to comfort my sisters. Mom was completely out of it the whole time we were there, her eyes fluttered open for a second a couple of times, but otherwise she showed no signs of being aware of anything or anyone who was around. Yesterday I was holding it together really well, focusing on the fact that she’s not suffering anymore, has been reunited with her grandparents and other family and that this parting is only temporary, we’ll see her again eventually. Then I tried to go to sleep last night, ended up falling apart crying and stayed up until after midnight until I was finally too tired to keep my eyes open any longer and was able to fall asleep before my mind had time to wander. My body automatically wakes up around 8am so after being up for a while this morning I was still feeling exhausted and tried to take a nap and ended up falling apart again.
Okay, something less depressing, I’ve got the first chapter of my Lockdown story written and I think proofreading and getting it posted would be a good distraction. Before I can do that I need to come up with names for the steeljaws, any suggestions? I’ve got four of them, two males, two females that need names. Is it insane that I’m afraid of dogs, but like the steeljaws, as soon as I saw the steeljaw toys were available I squealed PUPPIES!!!! and ordered four of them and plan on designing a crocheted plush of them.