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About Deviant Artist Member Elizabeth30/Female/United States Groups :iconbrave-police-central: Brave-Police-Central
 
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Mom passed away at 6:49 Friday morning. After being stuck in the same room with my sisters and Sarah’s boyfriend and only sleeping a few hours a night at best we were all grouchy and I felt like I was going to explode. I tried going out for walks around the Hospice house on their wooded paths, but the constant traffic just made the tension worse, so on Thursday afternoon I took a bus home, planning on returning the next day when our pastor was going up to visit. There hadn’t been any major changes with mom since they removed her from the ventilator and feeding tube the previous Friday and the doctor said she could hold on another week. I honestly think that her passing when I wasn’t there was God doing what was best for me, not only did I get back to the peace and quite of the woods and relieve all the built up tension, I was on the phone with the girls when mom was dieing and they said it was like watching our cats that had died, the spasms and gasping for breath, I don’t think I could have handled seeing mom like that so it was probably best I wasn’t there. I had said my goodbyes and told her it was alright if she went while I was gone, the only guilt I feel about not being there is that I wasn’t there to comfort my sisters. Mom was completely out of it the whole time we were there, her eyes fluttered open for a second a couple of times, but otherwise she showed no signs of being aware of anything or anyone who was around. Yesterday I was holding it together really well, focusing on the fact that she’s not suffering anymore, has been reunited with her grandparents and other family and that this parting is only temporary, we’ll see her again eventually. Then I tried to go to sleep last night, ended up falling apart crying and stayed up until after midnight until I was finally too tired to keep my eyes open any longer and was able to fall asleep before my mind had time to wander.  My body automatically wakes up around 8am so after being up for a while this morning I was still feeling exhausted and tried to take a nap and ended up falling apart again.


Okay, something less depressing, I’ve got the first chapter of my Lockdown story written and I think proofreading and getting it posted would be a good distraction. Before I can do that I need to come up with names for the steeljaws, any suggestions? I’ve got four of them, two males, two females that need names. Is it insane that I’m afraid of dogs, but like the steeljaws, as soon as I saw the steeljaw toys were available I squealed PUPPIES!!!! and ordered four of them and plan on designing a crocheted plush of them.
  • Mood: Tearful
Went to see mom on Monday, her condition had gotten worse, she could barely stay awake at all and we saw them change the bandage on one of the bedsores, it was big enough you could fit two fists into it and she was screaming and crying the whole time.

She’s being moved into a Hospice care place today and starting tonight they won’t be using the ventilator at night, which had been removing the CO2 from her body, we’re not sure yet how long it will take the CO2 to build up enough to kill her or if she’ll survive a while. We’re going to talk to the people who should be able to give us an idea in less than an hour and will probably be spending the weekend with mom incase she doesn’t make it through.
  • Mood: Tearful
The doctors think mom’s blood pressure was dropping because she was bleeding from bedsores. They say they’re a stage 4 bedsore which means they pretty much go clear to the bone and the doctors told us mom probably wouldn’t turn around from this and say at best she might survive 6 months to a year.

Now my sisters and I have to decide what to do for mom, move her back to the nursing home close to us with the probability that she’ll just end up back in the hospital and keep trying to get her better, which considering it was at the nursing home that they let the bed sores get to that point we’re not really comfortable with that. Our other options are hospice in Columbus or having them come in to the nursing home to do the hospice care which we’re not sure how much of the time hospice would be taking care of her and how much of the time the nursing home would be taking care of her. Either way with hospice they’d just be keeping her comfortable instead of trying to get her better.

What’s really killing use is when we went to see her on Friday she was awake and talking, kind of fading in and out of talking about real life and dreams, but she use to do the same thing when we were all at home, not as often, but enough for us to know it’s because of the painkillers and sedatives, not because there’s anything wrong with her mind. When we first got there and were talking to her before talking to the doctors we were thinking she seemed to be doing better than she has been since getting the trech tube put in back in May and thought maybe it wasn’t as severe as it sounded over the phone.



I feel like I may really be going crazy, even though this time we’ve pretty much been told mom is dieing, I’m holding it together and not breaking down crying as badly as I did after the last time we saw her in the hospital. It’s the way I’m keeping myself from breaking down that makes me seriously question my sanity. I’m running happy memories through my mind, but not really memories, scenes from my stories, especially Shadows, ‘Kagerou + lambada = instant good mood and smiles’.  I just feel like there’s something wrong with me that something fictional can distract me and make me feel so happy, while knowing my mom is pretty much dieing.
  • Mood: Worried
  • Reading: Shadows
The good news, my sister hasn’t been stealing money out of my mom’s bank account. Even though my mom had told me probably a year ago she changed her password to her online bank account, for some reason today I felt like I should try to get into it. It worked, mom’s bank account is overdrawn because for some reason only $30 of her social security has been going into it instead of the $600+ a month that should have been. I just felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders when I found out Sarah hadn’t been taking the money. Since only $30 is going in a month it’ll be a while until I have to worry about Sarah trying to take any money unless she can get a hold of social security and find out where mom’s money has been going.

Incase I don’t have time to thank everyone individually, thank you to everyone who commented on my last journal and for the support.

Bad news, I went to see mom on Monday to try to get the power of attorney papers done, but she was too out of it to agree to anything. Then that evening her blood pressure was dropping and she had to be taken back to the hospital in Columbus. They’ve had to give her 4 units of blood so far and aren’t sure what’s causing it.

The totally insane I’ve lost my mind news;
I’m going to attempt college and NaNoWriMo this year. I know it’s crazy and I probably won’t get the full 50,000 words written, but, aside from the powwow up north, NaNoWriMo is probably the thing I miss most that I’ve had to give up because of being in college. It always made me feel so good when I completed it and writing is the one thing that I actually feel like I do well, it’s the one thing that no matter what mood I’m in I can read over my writing and it always leaves me feeling like maybe I’m not as much of a stupid failure as feel like so much of the time. After everything that’s happened over the past year I just need that little something to make me feel good about myself. I’m not going to be hard myself if I don’t complete it because college has to come first of course, but I just have to try, I miss writing so much, I may love archaeology, but writing is my passion.
  • Mood: Content
  • Reading: The Covenant of Primus
Mom passed away at 6:49 Friday morning. After being stuck in the same room with my sisters and Sarah’s boyfriend and only sleeping a few hours a night at best we were all grouchy and I felt like I was going to explode. I tried going out for walks around the Hospice house on their wooded paths, but the constant traffic just made the tension worse, so on Thursday afternoon I took a bus home, planning on returning the next day when our pastor was going up to visit. There hadn’t been any major changes with mom since they removed her from the ventilator and feeding tube the previous Friday and the doctor said she could hold on another week. I honestly think that her passing when I wasn’t there was God doing what was best for me, not only did I get back to the peace and quite of the woods and relieve all the built up tension, I was on the phone with the girls when mom was dieing and they said it was like watching our cats that had died, the spasms and gasping for breath, I don’t think I could have handled seeing mom like that so it was probably best I wasn’t there. I had said my goodbyes and told her it was alright if she went while I was gone, the only guilt I feel about not being there is that I wasn’t there to comfort my sisters. Mom was completely out of it the whole time we were there, her eyes fluttered open for a second a couple of times, but otherwise she showed no signs of being aware of anything or anyone who was around. Yesterday I was holding it together really well, focusing on the fact that she’s not suffering anymore, has been reunited with her grandparents and other family and that this parting is only temporary, we’ll see her again eventually. Then I tried to go to sleep last night, ended up falling apart crying and stayed up until after midnight until I was finally too tired to keep my eyes open any longer and was able to fall asleep before my mind had time to wander.  My body automatically wakes up around 8am so after being up for a while this morning I was still feeling exhausted and tried to take a nap and ended up falling apart again.


Okay, something less depressing, I’ve got the first chapter of my Lockdown story written and I think proofreading and getting it posted would be a good distraction. Before I can do that I need to come up with names for the steeljaws, any suggestions? I’ve got four of them, two males, two females that need names. Is it insane that I’m afraid of dogs, but like the steeljaws, as soon as I saw the steeljaw toys were available I squealed PUPPIES!!!! and ordered four of them and plan on designing a crocheted plush of them.
  • Mood: Tearful

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Dragon-Star-Empress
Elizabeth
Artist
United States
Current Residence: Ohio
Shell of choice: Raphael’s
Skin of choice: Robotic, preferably Kagerou’s
Favourite cartoon character: Zoc, Megamind, TFA Prowl, Starscream, G1 Hot Rod, Raphael, VolFogg, Deckerd, Kagerou, Melan
Personal Quote: Ooh look more hot robots!
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:iconscourgethedestron:
Scourgethedestron Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2014  Professional General Artist
Hi there :D
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:icondragon-star-empress:
Dragon-Star-Empress Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2014
Hi
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:iconscourgethedestron:
Scourgethedestron Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2014  Professional General Artist
How are you?
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:icondragon-star-empress:
Dragon-Star-Empress Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2014
Not good, see my journal for details.
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(1 Reply)
:iconsassydragon18:
SassyDragon18 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello :)
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:icondecepticonseeker:
DecepticonSeeker Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for faving my Transformers Fanfiction :dance:
I am so glad that you like it :huggle:
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:iconperceptorsfembot:
PerceptorsFembot Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
I know I should have asked BEFORE I got postage but I figure your still in your apartment right? ^^;
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:icondragon-star-empress:
Dragon-Star-Empress Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014
Postage? Your sending something?  Yes the address is the same. If I were to move you’d be one of the first people to know about it. I have no plans of moving until after I graduate, I love my apartment and would be perfectly content to stay here until I can afford to buy my own place.
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:iconperceptorsfembot:
PerceptorsFembot Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
yeah; this past saturday was the big 'geekery convention' held local. Its like my Christmas in July. And like Christmas, all my friends get presents! 8D

So you should get a package just as soon as I can find a box big enough to hold everything. ;)
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:icondragon-star-empress:
Dragon-Star-Empress Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014
:omg::excited::squee::happybounce:GARGOYLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:squee:GARGOYLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:squee:GARGOYLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:squee::glomp:THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!:glomp::excited::squee::woohoo::happybounce::love::dance::boogie: :squee:

Oh my gosh, I haven’t been able to find Gargoyles anywhere other than eBay for years and these guys even have their wings and tails!! I think I have like two Gargoyles that have their wings and tails, Demona and Power wing Goliath and him I got his wings a couple years before I actually got the Goliath they went with. Oh my gosh, YAY!:excited::squee: :happybounce:I’ve literally been bouncing around sqeeing since I opened the package about 20 minutes ago, still squeeing and the only reason the bouncing has toned down is because the computer is in my lap, my neighbor is probably wondering what the heck is going on over here. :excited::squee::woohoo::happybounce::love::dance::boogie: :squee::happybounce:

The Turtles are awesome, the necklace is gorgeous, the scorpion is cool and will go nicely with all the shiny stuff in my living room, I love it all, but OH MY GOSH GARGOYLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:glomp: ::squee: :happybounce:Okay I may be over spazing about this a little because I just stayed up all night and just finished off a 2 litter bottle of Pepsi so I’m totally caffeinated, but only a little, I mean really there is nothing more exciting to get than Gargoyles stuff, Brave Police would come in as equally exciting, but I can’t think of anything that would be more exciting to get. Thank you so much for everything!!  GARGOYLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:glomp::excited::squee::woohoo::happybounce::love::dance::boogie: :squee::happybounce::squee:
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