Journal Entry: Sun Nov 3, 2013, 5:47 PM
Things seem to just be getting worse with my sister Sarah, I'm not sure if she's still suicidal, the last time I really talked to her was the day after her suicide attempt and she said she was upset and freaked out that she had actually tried it and promised she wouldn't again, ever since then she's seemed to not want anything to do with my other sister Dawn or I. The reason she says she's avoiding us is because we use to fight when we all three lived together with our mom and being around us reminds her of that and upsets her. That just didn't make sense to me, so we fought, don't all siblings fight and she was always the last one to fight, she always stayed calm the longest. The reason she said she tried to kill herself was because she and Dawn were fighting, they share an apartment and Sarah said because of her depression she wanted to split the apartment Dawn could have the upstairs and she would take the downstairs. Dawn didn't want to but finally gave in because Sarah just refused to take no for an answer and was deliberately staying out late and then coming home and making noise in their room that woke Dawn up. They started to split the house up and I was there to help and Sarah just kept demanding that Dawn get all of her stuff upstairs that night, but Sarah left a bunch of her clothes laying around the floor upstairs so it was hard for Dawn to walk. A week after they had split the apartment up Sarah still hadn't gotten her clothes moved and Dawn finally just tossed them down on one side of the steps so they were out of her way and where Sarah could easily get to them. That's why Sarah told me she tried to kill herself, because she and Dawn were fighting and Dawn tossed her clothes down the stairs and she was just too depressed to deal with it any more. Again it didn't make sense to me why she would try to kill herself just because they were fighting.
Everything started to make a lot more sense last Saturday, since around June or July Sarah has been hanging out with this guy, they dated for a little while and he claims he still wants to date her, he's just not ready to commit to dating yet. Everyone who knows this guy keeps telling Sarah he's not a good person to hang out with, that he has a new girlfriend every semester or so, but she refuses to believe that. Her depression started sometime while I was back up north which is around the same time she started hanging out with this guy. They started going to bars and she would stay over at his place until really late and then got to the point where she was just staying there all night. I begged her not to be staying over there, especially after she'd been drinking, she wouldn't listen to me, but swore they're weren't having sex or anything like that. Last Saturday a friend of Sarah's told Dawn and I that she was worried about Sarah because she is having sex with this guy and has had two pregnancy scares. I know to some people in this day and age that's not a big deal, but all three of us have always sworn we'd wait until we were married to have sex, so to Dawn and I this is really upsetting and that combined with the fact that she seems to want nothing to do with us or any of our family, her drinking and the fact that she's stopped going to the Church service at the college that we all use to go to is just making us feel like we're loosing her. But everyone who knows all of the details has said they think the reason she's avoiding us and probably a major factor in why she tried to kill herself has more to do with guilt over turning her back on everything she was raised believing than memories of old fights or current arguments and I'd have to agree, it does make more sense.
As if all that wasn't stressful enough Sarah and this guy keep coming in to their apartment late at night, waking Dawn up talking loudly and watching TV so Dawn can't sleep which is starting to effect her grades. He's at their apartment all night almost all the time now. We found out from the same friend that we had talked to before that Sarah told her they're deliberately watching porn with the volume up to see how Dawn will react and Dawn was able to get into Sarah's netflix account to confirm that's what they'd been watching.
I just feel so helpless I've always been over protective of both of my sisters, they were an answer to a prayer, my mom had had a miscarriage and when she found out she was pregnant again I told her she was going to have twins because I had prayed for twins and at least one would be a girl because I wanted a little sister and had told God if it was two boys I was going to run away from home, I was six at the time. The doctor kept insisting there was only one, until they did an ultrasound and found out I was right. So they're not just my little sisters they're an answer to my prayers and even though we fought sometimes they always knew I wouldn't let anyone else mess with them. Now I just feel like I'm losing her and don't know how to help her.
So please keep praying for her and Dawn and I, the lack of sleep is affecting Dawn's grades and worrying about Sarah is making it hard for me to focus on my homework.
Listening to: How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack
Reading: The Human Past (homework)